Join us up!

The Unarius Academy of Science (a UFO group based near San Diego, CA) celebrates the interplanetary conclave of light! Which is a 2-day festival about the Earth’s admission into a confederation with 32 other planets… in case you were wondering.

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They’re not totally batty though, ok? The U.N. created the first contract position to greet extraterrestrials recently and appointed a Malaysian astrophysicist named Mazlan Othman.

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In fact, the International Acadmy of Astronautics’ SETI study group created GUIDELINES for how to handle contact best with extraterrestrials. And, here they are.

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Through the Obama administration’s economic stimulus program, about 89,000 checks of $250 were sent to dead or incarcerated people by mistake.

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Alleged “vampires” stabbed their roommate when he refused to allow them to suck blood from his arm.

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Why not try your hand at underwater pumpkin carving?

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The Napster Co-founder has given $100k to legalizing marijuana.

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Switched.com chronicles The 6 Most Famous UFO Sightings in History.

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For more Halloween fun, check out the superstition behind black cats.

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Can elderly, diabetic piss make a great single malt whiskey?

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A woman from Philadelphia duct-taped herself inside her car and refused to get out.

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A round-up of crazy conspiracy theories that “make reptilians seem normal.

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Teenagers visiting their dead friend’s grave discovered his brain foating in a jar.

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Here’s an interview about Charles Manon’s newly released musical recordings.

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Father and son planned to french kiss their way to huge prison heroin profits!

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This woman wanted to shoot someone for internet trolling!

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Hunter-gatherers cared for first known ancient invalid.

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Google data shows that porn use spikes after election wins. Researchers relate this to the Challenge Hypothesis that entails the increase of testosterone levels when a person wins.

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PETA gets “dancing prawns” taken off a restaurant’s menu.

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Badgers dig up human bones in graveyard.

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The Ig Nobel Awards ceremony awarded international scientists for finding out the answers to life’s most troubling riddles about whale snot, and bat fellatio, for example.

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Was Stonehenge an ancient tourist destination!?

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A recent study concluded that liars feel an urge to wash their deceitful body parts.

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A neighborhood mercury spill might be costing up to $250,000 to clean up.

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This middle finger statue is hitting Milan!

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A new carnivorous mongoose-like mammal was found in Madagascar!

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Christians are now being called to avoid yoga- it is simply not a pathway to God.

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Mystery creature in Croatian lake!

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Behold: protein coctails are the elixir of life.

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Think you know your weird news? Check out Fark’s Weird News Quiz!

Claire Lumiere

Each week we send our Queen of the Weird, Claire Lumiere, into the wilderness of the Internets to find the weirdest reports from the Underground, CounterCulture and the Paranormal mileau! If you have news that you feel demands the attention of the SittingNow community then drop Claire an email at claire@sittingnow.co.uk

Walmart Cat will getz your bargains! - Photo from: http://www.caboodleranch.com/Index.html>http://www.caboodleranch.com

Libertarians at the forefront, to start off with!

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Want to escape society? Why not upload your brain into a robot? Here’s YOUR shot at becoming an
immortal cyborg!

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Another Libertarian fantasy which may be funded into reality is seasteading: moving to floating concrete bases on international waters!

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Would you like to attend your own funeral? Here are some steps to fake your own death.

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Check out the many capabilities of this terrifying robotic snake!

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This year’s spiritual centerpiece at Burning Man, The Temple of
Flux cost $180,000 to build, only to be destroyed a week later with the
festival’s end.

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If you’re into building structures that are a little more long-lasting, you might
want to get behind this guy’s cat-sized village project for homeless cats!

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Selling souls in New Zealand can get you a pretty penny.

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Laboratory grown meat! Great for animals AND the environment!

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Countreymen and women in Russia were urged by their finance minister recently to drink and smoke more in order to help “solve social
problems!”

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Satanists in Oklahoma, USA, are exercising their power of assembly.

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Evidence shows that the early human “butchered and ate the brains of children as part of everyday
diet.”

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In Atami, Japan men are going to hotels with their virtual girlfriends powered by Nintendo DS!

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Stephen Hawking asserts that god did not create the universe in a new book.

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In Mexico recently that damn Chupacabra was blamed again for the suspicious beheading of 300
goats.

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Claire Lumiere

A Gliding Frog

350+ new species have been discovered in the Himalayas!

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Villagers in Nepal flock to worship newly born malformed infant as Hindu god.

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Quick way to riches: photograph the Israeli mermaid!

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Home sellers seek help from St. Joseph.

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Newscientist.com writes on why humans can talk and chimps can’t!

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Ethics of moose chasers are put into question.

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A cyclist carried an alligator on his back until apprehended.

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Taxidermy squirrels! Beautiful!

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Missing condiments inspire a woman to attempt to run over a KFC employee.

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Manson “family” apparently haunted years later.

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Man arrested for making over a hundred prank 911 calls.

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Mouse builds nest from $20 bills in ATM.

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The Nurse of the Year, was not really a nurse after all!

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Obese inmate hides a gun within flabs of flesh!

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Attention! New UFO hotspot!

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A roundup of weird holidays from around the world.

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677 post offices to close. GET OFF THE INTERNET AND SEND A LETTER! IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT!!!!

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Men struck in the shoulder by a piece of an airplane.

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Parents have public brawl about which gang their toddler should join.

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Man fined for hypnotizing his date.

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Lady Gaga, clearly an Illuminati puppet.
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“Stereotypes persist even where immigrants don’t.”

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Apparently, an IQ test proves dogs are as smart as toddlers.

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Read all about Afghanistan’s biggest blogger!

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Tutorial in case you need to know how to write an EPIC Amazon review thread.

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And, a mathematical model for surviving a zombie attack!

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How about a mathematical model to help you choose a wife?

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Woman lights herself on fire in a mall!

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An elephant named “Five” plays the harmonica.

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Man to spend 21 days in jail for shooting out a cat with bow & arrow.

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Tallest dog in the world dies!

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Frank, the childless man, no longer has to pay child support.

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Angry woman throws empty cup at the Mona Lisa!

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Groping Minnie Mouse is just not accpetable, ok?

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Claire Lumiere

Weather forecast for Japan!

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Tadpoles are raining from the sky these days in Japan!

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A German schoolboy survived a 30,000 mph meteorite strike.

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Fisherman from Florida hooks an air guided missile.

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A man broke into a home and licked an 11 year old boy’s navel at knifepoint.

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Attacked by pirates?

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Here’s a “quick study” on them.

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Barack Obama’s Inauguration in LEGOS!

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Florida teen murders & mutilates nearly 20 cats.

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A Life On Mars Conspiracy?

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A woman deemed dead “reawoke” in the morgue.

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How high school reunions are affected by Facebook and Twitter.

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Man makes homemade stop signs after being fed up with traffic.

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In rural China, superstitious families are in search of newly deceased bodies of young women for their unmarried dead sons.

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45 seconds of hardcore porn was screened by mistake in a Brooklyn school to pre-schoolers.

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Eyeball jewelry? Really?

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A pastor from Kentucky is encouraging his church members to bring in guns to celebrate the Second Amendment on the Fourth of July.

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The Texas Campaign for the Environment raises awareness through TV set costumes that an estimated 20 to 80 million analog sets nationally will be dumped with the digital shift.

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Jyoti, at almost 2 feet tall, is turning 16.
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Some of the weirdest beds around the world.

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The founder of a drug prevention program is arrested for selling fake drugs to policemen.

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Photos of nail houses.

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Healing turtles don pink plaster shells.

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Stoned dog was taken to the emergency room after having eaten a good amount of marijuana he’d found in a Seattle park. Strangely enough, arose a similar situation with a baby ingesting pot this week, as well.

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Red Cross logo criticized by labour minister for its links to the Crusades.

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Man promised free pizza for life in Melbourne if he torched rival Papa John’s!

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Budget European airlines Ryanair considers charging for bathroom use.

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Ultra-orthodox Jews permitted to use their cell phones on the Sabbath & religious holidays if they use their teeth.

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House demolished thanks to misguided GPS coordinates.

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Divorce made known to child through facebook!

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Stellar!

Up to 50 UFOs were purported to have been seen in Cambridgeshire!
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Alan Brown woke up from brain surgery as a talented artist when he was previously only able to draw stick figures.
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A 17th century witch bottle was recently unearthed, containing urine and fingernails.

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Rare spirit bear captured on camera!

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A student lit up during a persuasive speech on marijuana legalization.

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A nun was arrested in Miami.

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President Obama views a 4,500 year old portrait of his twin in Egypt.

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Stolen family photo turns up as an advertisement in the Czech Republic!

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Unpaid workers in Siberia ask President Obama to pay their salaries.

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A paraglider spent 40 minutes 30,000 feet in the air, unconscious and survived!

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A man ready to hunt zombies was arrested for looking too realistic in his costume.

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The Independent rounds up the 10 best conspiracy theories.

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Brazil has celebrities known only for their assets, too: meet Watermelon Woman.

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A man used Craigslist to find a man to rape his wife to fulfill a sexual fantasy.

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A former jockey learns to ride a zebra.

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Mexico is considering a ban on “street children.”

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Real-life Spiderman was arrested for scaling a building in Sydney.

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A man was robbed after tweeting he was on vacation! And: The Huffington Post posts the best and worst moments of micro-blogging in America.

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A 17 year old broke into a funeral home recently in order to beat up a corpse.

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A Lithuanian champion baby-racer is drawn to the finish line by… laptops?

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More news of Florida’s ever-increasing python population!

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A student uses Google Maps to uncover North Korea’s secrets.

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Attention tourists to Japan: you may want to visit the increasingly popular cat cafés!

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Road-tripping in the US? Check out the 12 most bizarre museums.

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Environmentalists are not happy about a Malaysian orangutan sanctuary.

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A woman finds her son on facebook 27 years since he was kidnapped!

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Canon’s employees are forbidden to sit or walk normally to save the company money.

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Pizza man saves abducted woman!

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Giant boar eats dead cow!

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Arrested for mowing grass?!

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The Los Angeles Times reports on “What Twinkies can teach us.”

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A feral girl was found in Siberia, having been “raised” by dogs for five years.

erm....

Soldier fights Taliban wearing pink boxers and flip flops.

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“Spider-cat” Charlie climbs two storeys (13 ft.) to his owner’s home!

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Banker rescues ducks!

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The reviews on this wolves shirt are well-worth reading… Asylum.com posts, “Amazon.com has reported a 2,300 percent sales increase for this sartorial masterpiece after hundreds of Web wits posted sarcastic odes to the item’s imaginary qualities.”

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Timothy Akers to be arrested for the 102nd time?

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China’s first sex theme park was demolished before it was even erected! The park was aimed toward both sex education and sex life improvement for visitors, but was unfortunately deemed too taboo and “vulgar” by officials.

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The world record was set for longest flight of a paper airplane by Takuo Toda.

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True story: “Daddy ate my eyes.”

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Two Russian tourists have decided to break the Florida law of having sex with porcupines and have thusly suffered the consequences.

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Smugglers were caught with halves of tigers.

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Take-your-children-to-work-days have turned out to be a bit shocking in Florida…

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Fish caught inside boy’s penis!

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To ensure his next child is a boy, an Indian man has avoided bathing for 35 years.

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“Smart Memory Bras” elevate the bust when it senses the lady is attracted to whomever she is associating with!

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Elizabeth Adeney at 66 is Britain’s oldest mother-to-be.

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Attorney arrested for pot possession at the courthouse!

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Runpee.com let’s you know when to take a quick piss break from your movie!

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But if you can’t hold it in… have a toast and sip it down like these three men from the International Space Station.

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Playboy’s on the market for a mere $300 million.

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Cannibalism: the end of the Neanderthal!

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Chuck E. Cheese was no longer cheesin’ after having his head ripped off.

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A student is charged with using a live snake as a jump rope.

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Alina Percea talks about what it’s like to auction off your virginity.

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A photo was taken of an upside down flying goose!

Claire Lumiere

Keep this picture away from drunkards!

In the remote village of Kodinhi in India, 220 twins have been born to just 2000 families.

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National Geographic’s May 2009 issue features an almost perfectly frozen mammoth which has resurfaced after 40,000 years.

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Perhaps his solution would be to become more like the ever-vigilant dolphin.

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Gregory Brown the arsonist has been freed after 20 years!

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The “world’s tallest man” shuns Guiness Book of World Records!

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Not that any of you are Twilight fans, but just in case you had any questions, io9 posts that physicists prove how vampires could not exist!

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Lostvault.com is match.com for inmates!

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A 15 year old black belt strikes back at a bully and unites the community against racism!

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6000 kangaroos to die for an army training ground!

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Honesty has paid off for a taxi driver in Argentina who returned a bag of $32,500 (£21,600) to their rightful owners. Now hundreds of Argentines have donated to the taxi driver through a website in his honor.

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A remorseful tourist returns a part of the Coliseum her husband stole!

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A girl of 17 was run over by her own SUV while ghost-riding.

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SECRET SHARK HIDEOUT DISCOVERED!

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The world’s oldest dog is turning 21 soon!

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In religious scandals this week: Father Alberto Cutie is caught kissing a woman and Chad Hardy, founder of Mormons Exposed was excommunicated from the Church for making a male version of a sexy Mormon calendar.

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Now Sarah will never have her senior prom back because of her medical-marijuana scented boyfriend!

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A Dublin student adds a false quotation from Maurice Jarre on Wikipedia and is quoted worldwide by newspapers.

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The only pig in Afghanistan has been caged and quarantined because of swine flu fears!

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Do YOU have swine flu?

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LEGOs being used to depict war, Guantanamo, Abu Ghraib and more!

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Social networks are beneficial to baboons!

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A disgruntled Cape Cod cocaine buyer calls the police, angry at not having the drugs delivered.

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Woman painting her nails kills motorist.

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A couple met through spam fell in love and got married. The groom says, “I hope the virus that infected us with love is incurable.”
Linguists predict the millionth word added to the dictionary may be “noob,” or “defriend.”

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A car crash in Singapore causes a woman to bite her boss’ penis off.

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A girl in Switzerland found a condom in her happy meal.

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A burglar was saved from the rooftops!

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Giant salamander found in China!

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A woman offers her husband a year of sex for his 40th birthday.

Claire Lumiere

Where are my lucky charms dammit?

The end of the rainbow captured by an Iphone camera.

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“It’s not easy being Galileo” — his telescope visits Philadelphia as part of the International Year of Astronomy.

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Arnold Schwarzenegger does commercials in Japan!

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One of the world’s smallest frogs has been discovered!

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In celebration of 30 years of Gundam, an 18 meter tall statue of one shall be built in Tokyo this July!

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Should inmates have the keys to their own cells?

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Vince Shlomi, our beloved ShamWow salesman, was recently charged with battery against a prostitute. My friend gives this situation careful consideration and wonders, was it the Scientologists (Vince used to be one) or was Billy Mays behind it!? WHO FRAMED HIM!?

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“I SAID NO!” pope condoms are out!

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And the late John Paul II was featured in a now banned advertisement for a club, holding a beer and dancing with Paris Hilton.

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A man who crashed into 6 wild boars while driving was awarded $8.6 million.

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Are shopping habits linked to periods?

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A 4 year old boy was threatened to have his penis cut off so he would stop exposing himself at the day care center.

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A woman was caught DUI and also… breastfeeding?

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More bad momma stories: one drugged her daughter so she’d get pregnant and another dared young girls to chug vodka.

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A drug lord thanked American lawmakers for keeping them illegal!

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Giant peeps have been created to stop Japanese whalers! While Apa Sherpa, who has climbed Mount Everest several times, is returning this time with environmental pursuits.

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A prostitute was paid by her pimp in Mcnuggets!

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Castaway dog Sophie survived four months on a desert island after swimming six miles with sharks!

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In more significant animals news, a parrot was ordered by the judge to appear in court and a raccoon bit off a pervert’s penis!_________________________________________________________________________

A 13 year old boy drove from Virginia to Texas with the family’s truck and horses.

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What else goes on in Texas these days? A nurse recently injected bleach into five of her patients, killing them all.

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Traffic stopped on the Brooklyn Bridge over… an engagement ring?

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In Oklahoma, a bill is being proposed that would legally allow women to use deadly force to save the life of their unborn child.

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A child tries to reach 911 for help with math homework while this kid accidentally called 911 and blabbed to his friends, and the police- unknowingly- about his burglaries.

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It’s true- people look like their dogs.

Claire Lumiere

Each week we send our Queen of the Weird, Claire Lumiere, into the wilderness of the Internets to find the weirdest reports from the Underground, CounterCulture and the Paranormal mileau! If you have news that you feel demands the attention of the SittingNow community then drop Claire an email at                                         claire@sittingnow.co.uk

A magic cow survived a lightning strike!!!!

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The ungrowing baby continues to befuddle doctors.

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A school teacher from St. Paul unwisely sent an “insensitive” email about a Holocaust simulation she planned on organizing at the school. The email subject was labeled “Torture Time!” Her intent, she says, was to give the staff “needed stress relief and entertainment.” In the reenactment students would wear yellow stars and teachers would be on this “day of sheer pleasure [Nazi Officers and becoming Adolfs."

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In India, a man is being put in jail for accepting a 50 cent bribe twenty-four years ago.

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A man awoke from a one-night stand to discover the woman he had been with had carved his name into his arm and given him various other "tattoos." He will doubtfully mix vodka and valium before he goes to bed with another woman.

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A cop from Boston was accused of using his police cruiser to escort porn stars to a club.

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A boy from Minnesota was allegedly forced to unclog a toilet with his bare hands by his school principal.

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A woman from Indianna weeped her way into Long John Silvers and cried during the robbery, "If I wasn't down and out, I wouldn't be doing this."

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A teen in Sacramento revealed on webcam that he planned on taking his own life, but his online buddy proceeded to inform Sacramento police beforehand. News.cnet.com says, "There. Finally a social networking feel-good story."

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San Francisco's teen death and birthing rates apparently balance one another out.

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A man from Yorkshire who'd finally had it with dentail pains and couldn't afford a dentist decided to pull 13 of his own teeth out with pliers.

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A Volkswagen beetle was removed from the Lions Gate bridge in an engineering prank gone awry. The students reportedly have already suspended the shell of another beetle successfully off the Golden Gate Bridge and do it to mark the beginning of engineering week at university.

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A man entering Melbourne was caught with pigeons stuffed in his pants!

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The story of man who was imprisoned for 30 years for a murder he did not commit!

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A student with smelly feet has been allowed back into the classroom!

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Groundhog Phil has declared that there will be six more weeks of winter in the United States.

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Five second-graders were found in possession of heroin and passed around packets in school.

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A Belgian thief accidentally missed in his plan to drill his way into a bank deposit box and turned up instead in the toilets.

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Did anyone celebrate World Nude Day this past week?

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Michael Phelps unites pot smokers? And Alternet.org posts, "Michael Phelps has no business apologizing for taking bong hits."

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Sheyla Hershey broke up with her boyfriend to "follow [her] dream”… of her having the world’s largest set of breasts.

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At TED2009, Bill Gates released mosquitoes into the audience saying, “Not only poor people should experience this.” It was confirmed that in fact, they insects were not carrying malaria.

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THERE IS INTELLIGENT LIFE OUT THERE!

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In San Francisco, a baby was born with twelve fingers and toes!

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A Floridian man was arrested for having a threesome with plastic dolls in a public parking lot.

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In a very unusual case, a woman’s kidney was extracted from her vagina!

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So how much would it take to build a Death Star? About $15 septillion. That’s 24 zeros.

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Msnbc.com reports that “problem gambling may rise as economy falls.”

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A new era in fundamental physics?

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Who knew you could fail a driving test 771 times, undeterred?

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Japan does it again! Little look-alikes!

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A milk man in London who had been supplying the aching elderly with medical marijuana is having his prison sentence suspended.

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A regular Maleficent was uninvited to her sister’s wedding reception and in her rage proceeded to take her down the bride on the porch.

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An Ohio community’s water was poisoned by hydrochloric acid accidentally added to the water supply by a chemical treatment plant.

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Carbonate minerals have been found on the red planet by Nasa’s Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter. Says the project scientist on MRO, Richard Zurek, “If you preserve carbonates on the surface then you know carbon-bearing compounds can survive in some environments on the planet, [...] That means there are some places we can go and look for evidence for past life – if it ever existed.”

More and more people have been taking their cell phones to the grave.

At a University of Michigan lab, artificial human bone marrow was created in a test tube! The marrow can continuously make red and white blood cells which could lead to “simpler pharmaceutical drug testing, closer study of immune system defects and a continuous supply of blood for transfusions.”

A woman from Connecticut was recently awarded with $198,000 when she sued her dentist for giving her “HORSE TEETH” when he’d promised her a “big, beautiful Hollywood celebrity smile,” instead! We’re looking for the photos!

When Reddington Christian Church decided to set up a spotlight representing the star of Bethlehem as part of their nativity scene, a several people mistook it as a UFO!

Sightings of a purple squirrel have been reported at a school in Hampshire!

I’m guessing Sarah Mclachlan’s new TV spots for the ASPCA haven’t amounted to much yet because since the US recession, more and more dogs have been reportedly abandoned.

Afghanistan seems to have a solution, however. Reportedly, dogfighting seems to have made a comeback, recently. Fight to the death?

A great-grandmother at age 99 had to postpone her one-century-celebration when she found out that she’d had the date of her birthday wrong throughout her entire life!

At Tufts University, researchers are working on bio-active optical sensors made from silk that could warn of biological hazards and save lives. For example, they are being engineered to detect and signal, by changing color, if various substances have been found, for example, E.coli, or toxins in a polluted river.

A man in Massachusetts ended up burning his house with a blowtorch he was using to melt ice on his back porch.

Anyone missing a 180,000-carat emerald worth $370 million?

A UPS driver recently entered a Sikh man’s name as “TERRORIST” to the database.

Pedophiles trying to extend their reach?

In Peru, a 20 year old woman named Virgin Mary (Virgen Maria Huarcaya) gave birth to a baby boy and named him Jesus this past December 25th. Originally, father Adolfo Jorge Huamani, a carpenter, believe it or not- was going to name their son after a professional soccer player, but they changed their minds.

Cryptomundo.com posts the Ten Notable 2008 Cryptozoology Deaths.

While ufodisclosurecountdownclock.blogspot.com presents The Top 4 UFO Disclosure Non-Events of 2008.

Here’s metro.co.uk’s take on the weirdest stories of 2008!

Cracked.com shares with us “Where Aren’t They Now?- 15 Overlooked Deaths of 2008.

Though 2009′s no 2012, (gettin’ closer!) here’s a look at 25 Post-Apocalyptic Visions!

Happy New Year to everyone from Right Where You Are Sitting Now!