Ho.Lee.Shit. This gave me a fucking shock. As backstory; I have been sent a lot of stuff for review recently and once it’s on my iPod I have little or no idea of provenance. I don’t read press releases because I want to make up my own mind, not replace my thoughts with expensive lies. So I listened to Offshore and my initial reaction was “What the fuck is this dude doing ?” because the opening tune “Breeze” was as average as it’s possible to be, featuring average drum programming, an average melody and below average mixing. What really made it stand out was the hilariously poorly chosen parping brass synth he chose to play. Honestly, I haven’t heard this sound since I listened to Carter U.S.M in the late 80’s. I think it’s a Casio representation of a saxophone and it’s atrocious.
“Big deal” you might say “It’s only one sound”. Yes, it is but it’s like a glace cherry made of sonic dogshit and it helped me understand (or so I thought) what the deal was with Offshore. “Clearly he’s an amateur who’s just started making music and he’s got a bit excited and sent his first efforts out for review” I thought. And if that had been the case then I would have been writing a totally different review, which would have praised his debut lp for having a couple of interesting ideas and being a reasonable if inexperienced starting point. I would also have asked him never to use the “Celestial Choir” setting on his keyboard again, and advised him to take some Ritalin because he seems to have a problem with getting past a minute and a half or so.
However, my internecine review style may be disguising the central point of all this, which is that this is not a first album by an enthusiastic Soundclouder. This is an actual release on Big Dada. I began reading the bullshit hype about this but my mind had shrunk (like testicles in a glass of iced water) to a tiny single howling phrase “WHAT?”. How can this rubbish be on a label ? At best it’s some sketches that occasionally show a little promise (“Venom” / “Long Now”) but at worst this is a fucking joke.
Who the fuck listened to this and signed it to Big Dada ? How can you listen to Busdriver (whose “Arguments With Dreams” EP shits on this from dizzying heights) or DELS (one of the best rappers in the UK and he can also write a mean tune) and then sign this bilge ? Rarely does writing a review make me angry but this has fucking infuriated me. Ewan “Offshore” Robertson you do not deserve this album deal. Your album is shit and you’ve taken the piss out of a whole planet full of decent musicians by being signed to a label that I previously respected. Big Dada…seriously…what the FUCK are you thinking ? Oh and all the hipster dickwads that reviewed this at FACTMag, The Skinny and Sonic Router who went on about it’s freshness and its pedigree, stick your head back up your arses. Yes music is a subjective experience, and you can say what you like, but just because this is out on a little big label doesn’t mean its anything other than arsewater.